sunday, nov 12, 2000
because forever is a long time
giant lego pyramids as final resting places
"we are proposing a structure comprised of modules which house cremated remains. The modules are stacked and interlocking. most importantly, they are non-retrievable.
posted by quonsar at 9:50 pm
kismet the social machine
robot demonstrates affective responses
move over robot frank. here comes kismet, and he's a lot friendlier.
posted by quonsar at 8:55 pm
i smell another craze in the works
told you last week about am i hot or not. this week you get monkey hot or not.
posted by quonsar at 8:26 pm
die screaming with sharp things in your head
a collection of impaled garden gnomes
"suggestions being worked on involve darts and a fence post..."
posted by quonsar at 8:04 pm
(dubya dubya dubya)
this is dubya's brain...
being a stupid cokehead is one thing, being an anti-intellectual book-burner aspiring to the presidency is another.
posted by quonsar at 12:38 pm
i know what you did in texas
"I've got a record as governor."
environmental info on the dolt you may just have elected president...
posted by quonsar at 12:32 pm
saturday, nov 11, 2000
alarmingly long & dangerous nails
"tons of long fingernail pictures on this site!!!"
people sure do fixate on some weird shit.
posted by quonsar at 9:31 pm
national unidentified skin parasites association
rashes, lesions, and papules, oh my!
"uspi occurs when an unnamed organism or life form lives, feeds and breeds, under the skin of a human host.
posted by quonsar at 8:34 pm
rodent performance evaluation: a new approach
squirrel fishing at harvard
"the highest mark on the squirrel performance scale is achieved when a subject is willing to hold on to the peanut or string while it is being lifted off the ground."
posted by quonsar at 4:37 pm
ron howard, mr. t nabbed in child sex case
used opie character as chat room bait
howard and a birthday-suited mr t. caught in the act on the santa monica piercam just moments before arrest.
posted by quonsar at 3:24 pm
the truth about mars
an eyewitness account
"desire for a logic and reason for life validates that the human mind is, itself, a cell from the universal cosmic matrix..."
poor ernest has never fully recovered from the anal probes.
posted by quonsar at 3:47 am
the hideous jabbering head of abe lincoln
"democratic presidential candidate al gore asked, 'can my opponent do this?' and released a 50,000 kilowatt burst of ball-lightning from his pants."
posted by quonsar at 3:14 am
friday, nov 10, 2000
sister sara o'hara's moped
crime wave strikes wymsey
"sister sara's moped was stolen at 11.00pm last friday from the car park at the crown & thorns, wymsey."
now the poor dear is stuck at home watching wymsey cable.
posted by quonsar at 8:45 pm
kiss and make nice, boys
awwww. they make such a cute couple
posted by quonsar at 6:42 pm
belt sander drag racing
nascar is for wussies
organized absurdity! i love it!
posted by quonsar at 6:24 pm
strawberry pop-tart blow-torches
a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary devices
toasters which fail to eject pop tarts cause them to emit flames 10-18 inches in height.
posted by quonsar at 5:53 pm
the request is invalid in the current state
no problem, i'll just move to texas
this page from microsoft is perhaps the most succinct explanation of why microsoft sucks that i've seen to date.
posted by quonsar at 4:24 pm
condoms too small for swaziland?
or is this a clever dodge to increase tourism
"swaziland national aids programme representative beatrice dlamini says the less well-endowed should use the foreign-donated condoms which other countries had been good enough to send. she told the meeting: "those that can should use these condoms, because they were sent to us by foreign donors and it would be very rude to send them back."
posted by quonsar at 4:14 pm
respect the pussy
"this much pussy should not be legal"
featuring dusty the fat, bitter cat
posted by quonsar at 4:07 pm
ask jeez
seeketh thou an answer?
posted by quonsar at 3:13 pm
thursday, nov 9, 2000
robot frank's life
a bitter robot in a human's world
"don't mail me and make fun of me because i am a robot. chances are whatever you have to say, i've heard before."
posted by quonsar at 7:23 pm
what can i do with this placenta?
practical solutions to the age old dilemma
planting your placenta, placenta prints, membrane art, traditional chinese placenta preparation, placenta recipes.
post partum by quonsar at 6:59 pm
when good toilets go bad
when people and toilets don't get along
did you know there is a toilet webring? neither did i...
snarfed by shelldrake at 6:54 pm
wednesday, nov 8, 2000
the scoop on poop
carle's human body tour
"any hands-on learning makes an experience more meaningful."
they really said that.
posted by quonsar at 11:16 pm
parent's guide to satanic ritual abuse
ritual abuse should begin at home
"the next time you think about going out for dinner or to a movie, perform a satanic ritual instead."
posted by quonsar at 6:54 pm
barf on the cloast
"[an error occurred while processing this directive]"
"alabaster menagerie equals alabama monastery if I see it in print, and can approximate a bastard mahogany"
this weblog says it's powered by liquor. i do not doubt this.
posted by quonsar at 6:32 pm
2nd floor: mens wear, lingerie, mangled corpses
friends heard scream, then silence
"police said they did not believe shemanski intended to take a joy-ride on the elevator, but one of the two companions pushed the elevator button, sending the car upward."
posted by quonsar at 5:43 pm
tuesday, nov 7, 2000
nitro-powered food product launching system
tad and matt giggled a lot
"if you do this kind of thing and get hurt, maimed, killed, or disenchanted, you did it on your own. we had nothing to do with it."
posted by quonsar at 9:33 pm
why the internet is so powerful
just in case you ain't figured it out
"you can take your ecommerce dot com moneyfest and shove it up your ass...the real killer app of the Internet is ordinary people communicating with each other."
this man has got my vote.
posted by quonsar at 8:54 pm
adopt a sheep
is it a dot-com yet?
"people can now adopt a sheep on the internet and watch it graze while eating cheese made from its milk and wearing socks knitted using its wool."
or even dress it in a blue nightie...
contributed by shelldrake sheepherder at 7:48 pm
abandoned missile base tour
warm memories of cold war
"we were violating federal trespassing laws by visiting this installation, and we were risking our health/lives in the not try to enter one of these sites yourself!"
posted by quonsar at 7:24 pm
access manson
what would i do without access to manson?
"a real source for manson thought"
one would think that source should be charlie's brain. then again...
posted by quonsar at 7:18 pm
nursing home? just kill me instead
10 hours food in 1 hour
pass the enema bag, please.
posted by quonsar at 6:51 pm
monday, nov 6, 2000
the reflex tester
test your response time
"be warned. this is more addictive than any drug you can think of."
posted by quonsar at 10:52 pm
250 pound ram mauls elderly beavers
all indications pointed to the ram
mrs. beaver, whose injuries included a broken leg and head trauma, died at the scene.
posted by quonsar at 9:13 pm
cigarettes used to lure homeless to vote
we talking marlboros, or basics?
i suspect a few bottles of maddog 20/20 or thunderbird would have been more effective...
posted by quonsar at 8:19 pm
pregnant women crave smelly gym shoes
with a side of burnt matchsticks, please...
and this explains...what?
contributed by shelldrake at 8:10 pm
scout's honor - i'm gay
man had defended group's ban on homosexuals
trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. and fired.
posted by quonsar at 8:04 pm
man bites dog
jailed on cruelty charge
"there's no hurting involved," he said. "it's communicating to the dog that you are dominant."
pretty tame considering some of the things i've seen people doing with dogs on the internet...
posted by quonsar at 7:59 pm
queen mum breaks collarbone
billy bass to much for her?
probably lost her balance gettin' jiggy with her fish.
posted by quonsar at 7:37 pm